Walmart has progressively risen to the top of the social hierarchy in small towns across the United States. We all know they did it by putting all the more pleasurable and less fluorescently illuminated social centers out of business, but that doesn’t change the fact that Wally World is the place to be in cities throughout America.
Everyone shops at Wal-Mart, including those who insist they would never be caught dead in a Walmart. They may purchase their fruits, veggies, and tofu at Whole Foods, but the same high and powerful customers may be found purchasing bargain toiletries from the blue box.
Though everyone shops at there, there are certain types of folks who don’t belong in Walmart!
6 Types of People Who Don’t Belong in Walmart
1. Father Who Doesn’t Know How to Shop
Whatever progress feminism has made in recent decades does not appear to include the shopping cart. Even if we are attempting to break down conventional gender roles, every time you walk into Walmart, you are certain to encounter a father who looks about as awkward behind a shopping cart as a nun with a jackhammer.
His eyes flit from product to product as he scans the shelves for the item he knows is in another aisle, while his children keep a loose orbit about him, snatching for random products here and there without fear of punishment. His cart is always overflowing with fruits and veggies.
There are always one or two bags of potato chips leftover. Is that… yep, it’s a DVD of Braveheart. He felt compelled to purchase it for $7.99. Man, just get it on Netflix. On the plus side, even if he is a complete failure at his appointed work, at least his wife will just be delighted not to have to trek out to Walmart on a crowded Tuesday evening.
The 24-hour Walmart is the Earth Mother’s greatest gift to the rural stoner, second only to cannabis, of course. While urban stoners are limited to bodegas and overpriced pizza, Walmart supercenters supply everything a stoner in the sticks could ever want.
Your local Walmart is a toker’s paradise, with everything from double-stuffed, chocolate-covered Oreos to a dozen distinct types of Doritos. Even better, Walmart has areas of worthless junk that rotate through every month for the unlucky stoner to squander their money on.
We haven’t seen the numbers, but we’re prepared to wager that a sizable portion of merchandise at Walmart is wholly and purposefully geared for stoners.
3. Bored Elderly Couple
In the suburbs, it might be difficult to enjoy your golden years. Imagine how boring your hometown must be for older generations if you thought there was nothing to do when you were a youngster capable of skating and escaping from cops after getting caught skateboarding where you weren’t supposed to.
With money for things like public arts and parks being cut across the country, there are less and fewer possibilities for things to do outside of the light of the television screen in small towns. The disappearance of public places and community-sponsored culture has resulted in an increase of individuals simply hanging out at Walmart.
When you go to Walmart, you almost always encounter an older couple who appear to have dropped in merely to buy a single citronella candle or a set of fresh dish towels. We’re not suggesting that Walmart isn’t culturally appealing.
Where else can you get the full Left Behind series as well as the entire Chicken Soup for the Soul series in one package? Who needs activities when you can buy for ridiculously low prices?
4. The Town Gossip
You used to see the town gossip in other places: corner stores, locally owned hardware stores, and hole-in-the-wall cafes. These places are now all gone, and you can only find them at Walmart. The most difficult obstacle for the town gossip is locating a convenient location to camp out and take up the local news.
They used to be able to sit at the diner’s front table or lean against the counter at the local store, but now they have to prowl the lawn and garden area with their shopping cart, waiting for unsuspecting neighbors.
Though this generation of town gossips get a lot more exercise than their forefathers, running from one store to the next with their shopping cart, they also have to work a lot harder to obtain information.
We’re sure they used to receive far better gossip if they could just stay in one spot all day and suck it up. At the very least, they and we now have Facebook to compensate for the absence of tasty local news.
5. Shoplifting Teen
For as long as there have been Walmarts, there have been idle youths wreaking havoc. It never fails to astonish us.
With each new class of delinquent middle-schoolers comes a fresh group of long-haired adolescents in hoodies attempting to slip out through the automated doors undetected, toting sunglasses, DVDs, and a slew of other stuff they don’t actually need. You’d think that juvenile offenders would have matured by now.
Unlike true criminals, who develop more complex theft techniques over time, teenagers will continue to use the stuff-it-under-your-hoodie-and-run strategy until the end of time. This approach usually fails.
Unfortunately, the penalty shown above is rarely meted out to the perpetrators. Sure, this punishment may deter crime, but that isn’t why we like it. We just think the sandwich board with the thievery is amusing.
Our excursions to Walmart would be considerably more fun if we could watch dozens of depressed teenagers spending their weekend being humiliated for their misdeeds in public.
6. College Kid Visiting Home, Running Errands for Parents
Few individuals on Earth appear to be less at ease than college students home for the summer. They are pushed back into a world that feels both intimately familiar and entirely strange after acquiring new friends and activities. Everything appears to be the same, yet everything has changed.
They’ve been supplanted in the social structure of their hometown. Someone else is the varsity soccer team’s goaltender. On the mock trial squad, someone else serves as the prosecutor. Someone else is having an affair with the ex-girlfriend they dumped over the holidays.
So here they are, juggling a summer job operating a forklift at Home Depot, partying with buddies close to abandoned railroad lines, and doing errands for their parents.
They appear to be lost, but it’s best to leave them alone since any unexpected actions may jolt them out of their existential malaise.
Please do not annoy them. If you build a connection with them, if you show them a beautiful summer that completely changes their viewpoint, they could be inspired to create a Garden State-style script about how you taught them to experience joy again, which is the last thing we need.