Probably the strangest thing Donald Trump has ever put his name on is a political campaign. No, scratch that. Three political campaigns. However, the list goes on. Over the last few decades, former president Donald Trump expanded his almighty brand to just about anything a big fat gold T could sell.
The list also includes familiar ventures, such as skyscrapers, hotels, and golf courses. Of course, there are other types of ventures that are odder than these. In the grand scheme, you will realize that these products reveal a lot about the Trump brand on retail shelves. It’s not even about high-end fashion or premium goods, as they target the regular Walmart shopper looking to splurge.
Trump Vodka
Trump licensed his name to a well-known Dutch-distilled Vodka distillery in 2006, and then he enlisted the design legend Milton Glaser to design the packaging. Glaser tells us he also developed the gilded bottle to seem more “appealing to the lowest level of human activity, which is envy and status.”
Priced at $30, it saw a year of decent sales right before tanking in 2008, which led to the closure of the original distillery. Moreover, Trump Vodka still has a license in Israel, where it also found a foothold in the Kosher spirits market, which is popular for Passover, as Bloomberg showed. However, while Trump once promised to pay its profits to charity, he’s still expected to do so.
Trump energy drink
This one is also produced in Israel, and even if the Trump energy drink doesn’t seem too buyable in the United States, you still see a bunch of empty cans popping up on eBay every now and then.
What at first seems like a somewhat strange brand synergy between a 70-year-old man and a carbonated taurine bomb could ultimately explain a lot of those late-night tweets. Moreover, Trump’s natural spring water might have been a much safer bet.
Trump steaks
“When it comes to the best steaks, I’ve just raised the stakes!” said the “almighty” Donald Trump in his promotional video touting his steaks back in 2007. A year after Trump launched his vodka line, his company started licensing flash-frozen aged beef, produced by the one and only Buckhead Beef.
If you don’t know who that is, let me help you: a meat packer that’s now a subsidiary of Sysco, wildly available through the Sharper Image catalog. For only $199, you get two filet mignons, two cowboy bone-in ribeyes, and no less than 12 burgers.
They’re all beautifully packed in a monolithic black box that says “Trump Steaks” embossed in, you guessed, gold. Prices went up from that point, reaching no less than $1,000 for the largest pack. No doubt, this makes Trump Steaks the most expensive offering on the entire list. Well, that’s probably the moment that marked its downfall.
The steaks got tons of media attention, but their success was barely flesh in the pan. According to Jerry Levin, the CEO of Sharper Image, “We literally sold almost no steaks. If we sold $50,000 of steaks in grand total, I would’ve been shocked.”
But that didn’t really stop Trump from throwing a press conference and arguing for the viability of his presidential candidacy by arranging piles of shrink-wrapped raw meat beside the American flag.
Trump…lamps
Trump Home is a beloved collection of furniture. It includes barstools, TV consoles, and lighting, in an attempt to leverage the decor of Trump’s own hotel properties in the retail market. Every self-ascribed “masterpiece” is also, as he stated, handcrafted to perfection and made to order.
Moreover, the lamps are “engineered” with elite and exotic materials attained from around the world. Can you imagine? How did we even live our lives without a Trump lamp? In a more practical sense, this means that the collection of hideous lamps, which run somewhere around $200 a piece, captures the aesthetics that range from “Rhino Hunter Moves to New York” all the way to “I Found This Big Spring and My Kid’s Shop Class Did Something With It.”
Trump: The best golf advice I ever received
I bet you didn’t have enough, not yet! Trump hasn’t just slapped his name on ghost-written books about his business exploits. He also promoted his golf courses through a special book on Golfing Advice from the Pros.”
However, the most telling thing about the text is the focus on a lack of preparation. As Vijay Singh explained in the abstract, you don’t even need to get your golf swing if you go through video cameras and stuff like that.
Just go out there and find yourself. Maybe it will work well on a golf course, but it’s really not as advisable for a presidential debate. Moreover, I would add that most of us are scoring on a generous handicap.
The fragrances
Back in 2004, Trump decided to team up with Estée Lauder and not only release a scent but an entire “fragrance experience.” Oh yes, that’s right. We’re talking about a $13 cologne that comes in a gold box with little notes of mint, citrus, basil, cucumber, green notes, wood, and vetiver.
It has no less than 4.5/5 stars on Amazon, a beautiful mix of ironic and sincere reviews of the product. For all the patriots out there, I have to mention that vetiver is a perennial bunchgrass of the Poaceae family, a native to India that steals jobs from Panicum virgatum, a bunchgrass grown in our beloved country.
Moreover, Trump returned to fragrances once again with his Success and Empire colognes, which seem to be a part of a broader deal technically centered around shampoo and other types of grooming products (which is definitely a bad idea for a very good reason that doesn’t even need to be mentioned).
Technically, it’s on sale at Macy’s, and it’s highly “recommended for romantic wear.” I mean, let’s be honest: nothing really says romance like dousing your body in his eau de toilette before grabbing them by the cr*tch!
Eyeglasses
Since Trump has a full line of men’s suits, ties, and cufflinks that look just like how you would expect them to look, he also decided to focus on eyeglasses, because why not? We can safely say they are the least Trump of all Trump gear.
The ideal non-offensive glasses feature a couple of wire frames, occasional hints of gold, tons of bland brown, and a bit of tortoiseshell. And just like his wallets, they definitely look a bit off-brand, just like something you would see from Fossil. Those wallets are made under the Van Heusen brand, which can be found at retailers like Kohl’s and JC Penney.
Trump gold bullion chocolate bars
Made in Governor Pence’s state, Indiana, Trump’s brand of chocolate bars are wrapped like a gold bar. Did you expect anything else? If you have never tried them, reading a bunch of online reviews will solve the mystery for you.
For instance, there’s a chocolate expert on CNN who stated that he was anything but impressed. But to hell with that, what does he know anyway? He’s just a chocolate expert! However, that’s not the best snapshot of Trump’s target market; for instance, another couple based in Ohio that received a “gift” with the infamous chocolate bar stated they really loved it. See? It all comes down to everyone’s taste!
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